On Monday I fell while holding the baby. It was one of those things I had wondered about earlier, especially when going up or down stairs. If it happened, would I be able to fall backward?
When I tripped in that moment, I looked and there was nothing to grab hold of. I fell sideways, holding the baby on the other side of me. We went down together, and cradling him as I went down, I didn’t have a hand to ease the landing. The baby landed on top of me, surprised but unharmed. I hurt my hip, my elbow, my neck, and the cheekbone on the side of my face.
It wasn’t too bad, I was just sore. Ultimately, I was grateful that we were going to be fine. I put the baby in the swing, and I lay face down on the floor not wanting to do anything else.
I thought about the timing. You see, I had babysitting that day, and I know it sounds small but moms understand how valuable are those precious hours of babysitting. I was going to be able to sit at my desk with a few uninterrupted hours to get things done. I was going to be able to respond to emails without someone small who wants to help type. I was going to get things straightened up so that I could prevail over the mess. And I didn’t do any of those things, while I lay face down on the floor.
Tom hooks his arm around mine while I carry him around. I don’t want to spend my days looking for the next moment I can set him down so that I can do something else.
Since then, this week I’ve been considering the balance of what I want to achieve each day. Could it be enough to quietly sit and hold the baby and take care of the kids, or do I have a whole list of extras to do too? Because there is nothing wrong with those extra things, but I had started falling into a pattern of finishing my day with my thoughts heavy from all the things that would be carried over into the next day because I didn’t get to them yet. Resigned to it, but still frustrated.
I remembered how ocean waves wash over the beach, leveling rumples in the sand and filling in trenches and holes, smoothing it over. Ever since then, I’ve been praying that God’s grace would wash over all those details in my life, smoothing them over and filling in the gaps, making the details less distinct and noticeable.
It’s a continual process of refining my aspirations.
(Continued in Refining Possibilities: Making the Best Use of Your Time)